Fight Bitterness

I already posted the first video on Twitter and Stingray did the same on her blog but I love it so much (and need the reminder in my own life) that I wanted to post it and the follow up video explaining the whys and the hows a bit more here on the blog. I’ve actually taken to listening to both a few times a week as my stress level goes up now that school has started and I am taking on all 5 kiddos. It’s a great reminder! I encourage all women to take a listen and really internalize it.

And yes, it is religious in nature but the concept is truly universal. Even if you’re an Atheist or not Christian you can benefit.

Now compare the above to this: 25 Things Men Should Know Before Marriage (h/t LibbyCarrots) Bitterness is not becoming, ladies!

Team Sofia

If a woman flaunts her sexuality and says she’s a feminist she is the best feminist ever, a real champion for the cause. If a woman flaunts her sexuality just because she wants to and if, worse yet, she does so in the vicinity of a man… well, and I’m paraphrasing feminist thought here, isn’t that just telling of our horribly misogynistic culture? Ah! It’s just so infuriating that a woman would do such a thing! It really just goes to show how far we have to go…

Did you read this: Feminism Or Sexism? Depends. Is It Beyonce’s VMAs or Vergara’s Emmys? You should. It sums up the issue with feminism in so many ways mainly these two points: 1) feminism doesn’t even know what feminism is or wants anymore and 2) feminism has become an accessory for western women, at best.

If anything shows how torn feminism itself is about what feminism itself is the praise and ire over Beyonce’s performance at the VMAs is it. Congrats, feminism! You’ve been reduced to a bunch of sparkly bums and lyrics about semen on dresses! But I get it, I really do. It’s about the empowerment. It’s about sex+. It’s about a woman up there being fierce and owning herself and her sexuality. But really, let’s be honest here, none of that really matters. What really matters is all of that in conjunction with the big F word displayed in the background: F-E-M-I-N-I-S-T. Her actions alone would have been vomit inducing for many a feminist but her actions weren’t alone, they were accompanied by that magical word that makes so many things right and so many things wrong simply based on its presence. (Edited to add: case in point)

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Take a long hard look at what Beyonce put on display there because right there in a nice package for all to see is exactly why I am not a feminist. It’s a joke. I’m not about to jump on my soap box and say Beyonce needs to class it up and cover up, etc. Frankly- and I say this so much maybe it should be my subtitle but really- I don’t care. It’s not my cup of tea so I do this revolutionary thing and don’t watch it. But her whole display and the thunderous applause all over the country/world over the F word she defiantly stood in front of goes to show how utterly desperate and utterly worthless feminism is as a movement.

No, you don’t have to like the way Beyoncé writhes around in that leotard – or the slickness with which her image is controlled – but whether you like it or not, she’s accomplished what feminists have long struggled to do: She’s reached the masses. She has, literally, brought feminism into the living rooms of 12.4 million Americans. “Sure, it’s just the VMAs,” says Pozner. “She’s not marching in Ferguson or staffing a battered woman’s shelter, but through her performance millions of mainstream music fans are being challenged to think about feminism as something powerful, important, and yes, attractive. And let’s head off at the pass any of the usual hand-wringing about her sexuality — Madonna never put the word FEMINIST in glowing lights during a national awards show performance. This is, as we say… a major moment.”

(How to Reclaim the F-Word? Just Call Beyoncé)

Feminism isn’t something that can speak for itself, obviously, it’s all about the word. I mean Madonna did the same stuff but she never had the word, you guys. What we are seeing here, clearly, is feminism’s rebranding. Out with the important issues and in with the fierceness of women shaking their asses and taking no prisoners.

But, lest we forget, that whole thing is only feminist with the word. Enter Sofia Vergara…

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This is sexist because it doesn’t overtly say it’s feminist, of course.

(The Emmys put Sofia Vergara on a rotating pedestal, and it was terrible)

If modern day feminist rhetoric is to be believed then any time a woman steps into the spotlight and flaunts herself is a feminist moment. Except, of course, when 1) the word itself isn’t being screamed/displayed/etc and/or 2) a man is present in a way that suggests he is anything but a lower being. What Sofia did above is objectification. How is it different from what Beyonce did? You mean besides the gyrating and sexually explicit lyrics? Sofia is lacking a sign telling us how to feel about it and, to add insult to injury, there’s a man there talking about things.

Why did I title this “Team Sofia”? Because, ladies, we are Sofia in this scenario- “empowered” in our own right, making a conscious decision (a choice) about our bodies and our lives, not feigning disgust over a man (or, heck, over an obvious joke) utilizing us, and all the while being downright infantilized by the feminist movement at large for it. Because even though it’s all about choice it has nothing to do with choice. Because even though it’s all about women it has nothing to do with women. Of course we aren’t literally Sofia and many of us wouldn’t chose to do what she did here (or wear what she wore, etc). The point is that feminism being what it is will never view women as equals. Sofia’s choice is entirely different than Beyonce’s and therefore entirely wrong- that is feminism. It’s not about bringing about equality and lessening the strife of women it’s about the complete ownership of women in a way that the patriarchy may or may not be kicking itself for never thinking of.

In case you didn’t read (or manage to get through) the Vox article I linked here is what Sofia had to say about the whole thing:

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly backstage, Vergara was asked if she found the bit sexist or demeaning. “I think its absolutely the opposite. It means that somebody can be hot and also be funny and make fun of herself. I think it’s ridiculous that somebody started this — I know who she was — who has no sense of humor [and should] lighten up a little bit,” the magazine reports her as saying.

So there you have it, straight from her. But the reality is that Sofia doesn’t get a say. Heck, even Beyonce doesn’t get a say! It’s all about that word in big bold letters- that word that will liberate you in as far as you agree with its narrow idea of the concept or enslave you- you know, for your own good (poor Sofia up there being all objectified and such). And this just really drives that home, doesn’t it? Because, once again, feminism proves without any help whatsoever that it is not a movement for women but a movement entirely for itself.

“Keep your mouth shut” A Letter from a Feminist Reader and My Response

Hi, “Margery is an old lady name“!

First off, I’d like to apologize for it taking me so long to get back to your email. I’ve been away from the blog for a few months now and only recently returned to Twitter to participate in #WomenAgainstFeminism. I do want to get back to blogging but I’ve been so busy lately and so burned out that it’s been a pain just to organize my thoughts enough to sit down and get anything remotely meaningful posted.

Speaking of which, thanks for the motivation! I hope you don’t mind my responding to your email publicly. It’s just too good to not see the light of day. You’ve brought up some key feminist points here and I’d like to take the opportunity to respond to them and allow others to chew on both of our takes and maybe offer their own opinions. Please feel free to respond in the comments or via email, whichever is best for you.

You wrote… (click image to enlarge)

Screen Shot 2014-08-17 at 8.45.04 AM

As far as I can tell you are making 7 points here:

  1.  That this lifestyle is selfish (and therefore I am selfish) because it ignores the problems the world faces like overpopulation and animal rights in favor of some idyllic 1950s fantasy land.
  2. That both I and the women like me are lazy and serve no purpose because we don’t work outside of the home or, as you put it, have a real job.
  3. Feminism is actually a really great thing that you love and that I am very wrong about.
  4. Obviously being unaware of the plight of women in the Middle East (see point 1) I need to go live in a place like Iraq to see just how great feminism is and how wrong I am about life.
  5. Gender roles have been awful for you because you felt pigeonholed and they are also awful for men and if I was a decent and halfway intelligent human being I’d see that and reject them, too.
  6. I’m free to hate feminism but I’m not free to talk about it.
  7. I’m holding people (namely women, I assume) back.

1. “I feel like your “lifestyle” choice is very selfish. This is not the 50s. We have real problems in the world and we are overpopulated enough as it is with so many children without homes that our world doesn’t need women staying at home barefoot and pregnant poppin’ out tons of kids. We have animals being abused and enslaved, billions slaughtered inhumanely every year and we are killing our planet.. the planet your kids and your kids’ kids will inherit someday.”

Why my lifestyle choice as opposed to yours? What about it makes it inherently selfish? You seem to think that submissive wives are ipso facto unaware and uninterested in current affairs, the planet, the future, etc. You’re wrong. You’re very wrong. Sure, some wives (submissive or not) couldn’t care less. I’m not one of them, though. But I find that my lifestyle has little to do with my ability to give a damn about other things. If you read my blog and my Twitter feed this should be clear to you. I obviously am not just talking about my husband and kids here, right?

That said: home and family is important and worth one’s focus- even if it is sole or primary. Overpopulation is not a thing. I am hardly popping out kids all the time (I have 5. Michelle Duggar I am not). Factory farming is a horrible thing that we should all be aware of. Etc.

2. “So, why don’t you get a real job and make yourself useful? Try becoming a productive member of soceity and do something that the world actually needs you to do? Otherwise, you serve no purpose.. you’re just sucking air.”“I think women who their only goal in life is to be a wife and a mother and have a man take care of them are LAZY. Then they always argue “well being a mom is real work.. it’s a real job.. i earn my place” blah blah blah.. LAZY. You are a bump on a log.. and yes, I’m sorry but you are weak.”

Is childcare important? Education? Do you value teachers? Nannies? Do you need to eat? Have a clean home? Have accessible transportation? It’s the sign of an unhealthy obsession with money when the only time a person can be seen as serving a purpose is if there is a paycheck attached. If I wasn’t watching after my children, feeding them, educating them, etc someone else would be. But since they’d be being paid for it their jobs have value. The only way that that possibly makes sense is if money is the deciding factor in all things right and just in the world. If it is to you, fair enough. It’s not to me.

You accuse me of not thinking about the world my children will inherit when not only do I think about that but I am also concerned about the children this world will inherit. Children matter. By extension that people that rear them really matter.

3. “I am a feminist and you know what? I am a PROUD feminist. People use the word feminist in a derogatory way as if it’s supposed to be an insult.. saying feminists are man hating lesbians who hate God and are out of control. They’ll forever be single and miserable and single if they don’t learn there place in the world? The definition of feminism: the advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men. I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

Let’s get something out of the way- feminists can be happy, hot, blissfully coupled, etc. I don’t deny this. Denying it would serve no purpose as it is easily disproved. More to the point whether or not these types of feminists exist holds no sway over my opinion of feminism. I don’t think that way about feminists, you only assume that I do.

So far you have accused me of being a brainwashed mindless idiot that only pops out kids and otherwise serves no purpose. All of this is based in your world view that is deeply influenced by feminism- something you are PROUD of. You don’t see anything wrong with that? Yes, it all looks great when you’re toeing the line. But women like me? Women that reject the feminist ideal? Well, we’re told to keep our mouths shut and that we can’t possibly be worth anything. In fact, that’s exactly what you’ve said to me here. Feminism is bigger than a dictionary definition. I bet you can understand this because I bet you feel the same way about racism. Feminism as it stands now does not support women like me. I’d explain how and why but all you have to do is reread your email to me. Feminists themselves do not speak for all women nor do they support equality for all women. “Keep your mouth shut” Ring any bells?

4. “If you are so anti-feminism then maybe you should go live in Iraq and get a taste of that and then MAYBE you would change your stance a bit.”

Doubtful. But you might. Western feminism looks like a bunch of entitled women whining about ridiculous little things, most of which are of their own invention when you actually hold up to the real issues both men and women face around the world. This is another reason I’m not a feminist. Not only does the concerns of western feminists speak to how spoiled rotten they are but it also speaks to how little they care about men. “We need feminism because women in other countries…” let me stop you right there. Read this:

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5. “I fucking hate gender roles. All my life I’ve had an issue with being told how I am supposed to be to be accepted, but I’m also against them for the guys.. being told real men don’t cry, getting beat up or called gay if they wear pink or love to cook or anything seen as “girly”. It’s fucking sick. It’s narrow minded.. only morons think like that.”

I don’t like being told what to do, either. No, wait, that’s a lie. I don’t like being told what to do by anyone that isn’t my husband. This is just one of the reasons I reject feminism. As you yourself have made clear feminism is not open to women embracing traditional/natural gender roles. We’re mocked, we’re ridiculed, we’re told the only way to amount to something is to reject gender roles, full stop. And that’s not even getting into how traditional men are demonized!

I love gender roles. Can you point to a place where I have ever said that you have to, too? If you truly don’t then more power to you, dear. I couldn’t care less. Go out and flip them on their head all you want. But I value them and I don’t deny that they exist in most part due to the natural order of things. It’s really that simple.

6. “So you know if you wanna hate feminists then by all means that’s your choice, but do the rest of us a favor and keep your mouth shut”

I want you to reread your statement here. Now read it again. Really let what you are actually saying sink in here. Can you really say you support women? That feminism and thus you are really just about equality, voice, choice when you tell women like me our choices are wrong choice that need to be weeded out and that we shouldn’t ever speak if we disagree? “Keep your mouth shut” No, I don’t think I will. I think that women are smart enough to think and speak for themselves. I’m sorry you disagree.

I’ve said before that I get more misogyny from feminists than I do from men in general and traditional men in particular. Case in point.

7. “its people like you who are the ones holding people back who want to evolve as a species and move foward and progress.”

What does this even mean? I am not so self-absorbed that I think that what me and mine do in the privacy of our own home has huge ramifications for the entire world. It doesn’t. Now you may have a point if I was, say, marching on Washington demanding laws be made that keep women in the home, away from the polls, etc, but I’m not. I believe in equal treatment under the law. I believe in it so much that I am deeply disturbed by the fact that feminism is so against it. They demand equal outcome. They want the ratio of women to men in ideal professions and leadership positions to match up if not exceed. Equal outcome stands at complete odds with equal treatment. In order for this feminist utopia to come about we have to “level the playing field” which means we have to give women preferential treatment and leave men in the dust. That’s not equality, it’s supremacy. So no, I don’t agree with holding people back, that’s why I’m not a feminist.

xoxo,

Margery

 

A List of Things I Wanted to Tell You About While I Was Away

It’s been slightly over two months since my last post (!) and while I was gone there were so many things I wanted to tweet and/or blog about. Better late than never, right?:

  • Stop what you are doing and make corn tortillas from scratch. If not right this second put it on your list. You will not be disappointed (unless you don’t do grains. In which case ignore this first one, obviously).

  • IS EGG FREEZING REALLY THE PRO-WOMAN SOLUTION?” I’m going to ruin the end of the article for you but do read the whole thing:

    But it may be safer to suggest that what women really want is not a series of ten-thousand dollar hormonal injections that will allow them to have children just in time for their chemo treatments and hip replacements. Is this, along with an 80-hour work week, what they mean by “having it all”?
    What most women want is support that will allow them to have children during their natural fertility window. What women need are strong relationships—a prerequisite for the vulnerability that having a child will require.
    Egg freezing is ultimately just a small bandage on a deep wound, and it may prove to be a false hero in an ongoing battle.

  • This article in all its glory: America’s College Kids Are a Bunch of Mollycoddled Babies (It ought to terrify us that they’ll be running the country someday.)

    These are kids—and we’re talking about full-time “traditional” students on four-year campuses, not the job-holding, family-supporting, career-minded folks more apt to be found in community colleges, trade schools and the University of Phoenix—who have long been accustomed to getting their own way with just about everything, hovered over and indulged by their parents, praised (and grade-inflated) by their teachers and carefully cushioned from every form of risk, adversity and hardship.”       

    “And consider what the nation faces when this crop of prissy, protected and self-absorbed young people start running for office, leading the country, making foreign and domestic policies. Who will shelter them from everything they don’t already believe and welcome? How will they deal with a Putin or an Assad? A Snowden or a Madoff? Kiddie porn and hurricanes? Who will trigger their warnings, lest they become upset? Will they tackle such challenges, or just protest them?”

  • Namely for the Catholics out there- Alice von Hildebrand: “Man and Woman”. The video is an hour and a half and she can be hard to hear but it’s well worth the watch even if you only agree with 50% of what she puts out there.

I hope everyone has been well!

xoxo, Margery

Fit Friday #15

(About Fit Friday | This week’s Fit Friday)

How did you get moving this week?

Monday:

  • 15lb Kettlebell swings | x15
  • 8lb dumbbell curl to press | x15
  • 8lb dumbbell row to rear fly | x15
  • 8lb dumbbell kickbacks | x15
  • 15lb Kettlebell swings | x15
  • Bicycles | x15
  • Reverse crunch | x15
  • Pilates roll-ups | x15
  • 15lb Kettlebell swings | x15
  • 40lb sandbag deadlift | x15
  • 40lb sandbag weighted glute bridge | x15
  • 15lb Kettlebell swings | x15

I was coming down with whatever bug my husband and kids had over the weekend so this workout was pure murder on me. It took way longer than it should have and I just felt like utter crap. Tooting my own horn here, because I persevered! But I did have a hard time staying on my feet all day and my walk suffered, only got in 20 or 30 minutes very slow paced.

Tuesday:

I was sick as a dog today. I did some stretches in bed.

Wednesday:

Managed a slow paced 45 minute walk.

Thursday:

Was abnormally exhausted today (pretty sure getting over cold related) but managed some brief arm exercises and stretching. Plank. Didn’t bother to keep track. 20 kettlebell swings.

Friday:

Made a point to do something more today.

  • 15lb Kettlebell swings | x15
  • 8lb dumbbell curl to press | x15
  • 8lb dumbbell row to rear fly | x15
  • 8lb dumbbell kickbacks | x15
  • 15lb Kettlebell swings | x15
  • Bicycles | x15
  • Reverse crunch | x15
  • Pilates roll-ups | x15
  • 15lb Kettlebell swings | x15
  • 40lb sandbag deadlift | x15
  • 40lb sandbag weighted glute bridge | x15
  • 15lb Kettlebell swings | x15

What was your go-to healthy food item or meal?

I could not get enough of oranges and cuties.

What song got you moving?

What are your plans for next week?

I want to keep up with the routine I have set out here as well as getting my miles in and easing back into Yoga with sun salutation work.

An Example of How Some Feminists Attempt to Silence

“I’m registering my concern and giving you a chance to change.”

She said this after threatening to email the Tweeter and her meaning is clear- agree with me, toe the line, or else. Feminists like to say they are the only one’s that are being silences, harassed, threatened especially online. This isn’t the case. In fact, in my own experience I have gotten far more flack from feminists than I have from others when I was a loud and proud feminist myself.

Take a look at how a simple inquiry turned into this:

The thread can be found here.

And if you aren’t following SexyIsntSexist, please do!

Fit Friday #11-#13

I know, I know- I missed Fit Friday #11 and #12. I have been staying more active, doing random spurts of yoga, kettlebell stuff, etc but haven’t been tracking anything. This Fit Friday is no different. I couldn’t tell you, essentially, what I have been doing except vague stuff like “yoga on Tuesday”. How long? No idea, I just did it. I’m feeling out of sorts, really disorganized of late, and the fitness stuff is no exception. My lack of tracking accounts for my lack of reporting though that is hardly an excuse. So my Fit Fridays pretty much look like this:

Monday: did nothing

Tuesday: did stuff- walking, yoga, kettlebell stuff

Wednesday: yoga, I think

Thursday: random kettlebell stuff when I got a minute

Friday: “hike” with family

And that’s all just from memory. I think I did random yoga stuff on Tuesday but it could have been Wednesday. That’s how blech I am right now.

How did you get moving this week?

Excepting one bad day I reached my FitBit step goal. Random spurts of being “fit” throughout the day when I get a moment to myself. Have been on my feet much more. I have been chatting with RPW from time to time and am doing that while in the kitchen, mostly.

What was your go-to healthy food item or meal?

Pink Lady apples. They are my favorite and were on sale recently.

What song got you moving?

Fell in love with the song on the GoT season 4 trailer a few weeks back. It’s been accompanying me on my walks.

What are your plans for next week?

To be more mindful of what I am and am not doing. To focus more on a schedule and keeping track. I’d like to get more kettlebell and yoga work in consistently.

Because Housewives Need Saving, Donchaknow

Folks, I am up in arms about Emma Approved. I know, I know, this is petty. It’s just a YouTube series. A modern adaptation of an Austen novel, what do you expect? Hank Green is involved, of course it’s steeped in the feminist worldview. But guys, I really love Emma and I really love modern adaptations. I love to see how things are worked out for the here and now. Though The Lizzie Bennet Diaries (a modern adaptation of Pride & Prejudice by the same people) was obviously feminist and shallow it also was interesting and entertaining. Pemberley Digital? Darcy as a hipster? Brilliant! I was so excited they decided to do Emma next and had, so far, really enjoyed watching it unfold. That was until Emma’s sister Izzy came on the scene. I saw where it was going right away with how concerned Emma was for her obviously unhappy sister. She points out that she and Izzy had been so much alike until Izzy chose to get married, have kids, and stay home; something Emma hadn’t seen coming because Izzy always seemed like a career woman to her.

“Oh great.” I said. “Here we freaking go.”

The next few videos were full of Izzy trying to play the happy wife but obviously miserable, her husband (who never appears on screen, never gives his part of the story) being portrayed as a tyrant, and Emma rushing in to save the day (read: take her sister’s side in everything).

What was the big issue? Well, Izzy felt that she wasn’t being heard. Okay, fair enough. But instead of taking the issue to her husband she decided to whine to her little sister. The thing is John (her husband) wasn’t wrong and he wasn’t being unreasonable. The things Izzy wanted were expensive and excessive. She wanted to remodel part of the home so she could see the children easier and put her daughter in daycare even though she stays home. John is a small business owner with a ten year plan and the drive to make it on their own, meaning hold onto money and not run to wealthy parents. He didn’t want to spend the money. Fair enough, right? Nope. Tyranny. Abuse. Time for some grrrrrl power! Under her sister’s guidance, she decides to “surprise” John by tricking him into a trip to Hawaii instead of the standard family camping trip to Joshua Tree. The plan backfires. John is pissed. Well of course he is! Sounds like a reasonable response to me. Izzy lied to him and schemed with her sister about it. She decided to accept this “gift” full knowing how he felt about his/their way being paid. Who wouldn’t be mad? “A good man.” the audience says “Only a real jerk would be upset” (the gist of the comments, trust me).

This is how it ends:

Not only does Alex (Mr. Knightly) backdown from an argument any reasonable person would see he would have won, not only does he sulk off to encourage his brother to lay down and play dead in his marriage, but Izzy decides to play a 2 year old (“No, I’m not going on the trip!”) and then the new and improved powerful strong remarkable independent woman she is throws out the bombshell “I want to go back to school”. Oh Lord. This is where I finally lost it. I knew this was coming, of course. No housewife in the media is portrayed as anything but in desperate need of feminist style “liberation”. Once again John is painted as the tyrant with his 10 year plan that didn’t include Izzy’s higher education (and she couldn’t have spoken up about this to him because…?!). Emma is so happy her sister has finally seen the light. And, well just go read the comments. The gist: Hallelujah! Izzy is free at last!

… (this is my fuming silence, in case you were wondering)

I already covered a bit of where Izzy went wrong. It goes without saying that this was workable from the get-go had she actually taken this to her husband and not went behind his back and pulled the rug out from under him. Bad form. Bad wife.

I am beyond disappointed (and so not surprised) that John was maligned with little to no representation. Not only was Emma willing to say “this is wrong” but the audience via the comments was widely about decrying him as an abusive man Izzy needed freeing from. No mention of the sensibility of his decisions, mind you. Hardly any call for his side to be represented. No, burn him for crimes against grrrrrl power.

It’s fiction, it’s YouTube, I get it. But we have a problem today when we can’t represent housewives and their husbands without making it into the feminist saga of liberation and tyranny. Just for a second think of the last time you saw a positive representation of a traditional marriage in the media that didn’t eventually turn into her needing to be saved and him either being a jerk or seeing the error of his ways. Just one. I’ll wait.

Feminists push for respect of STEM fields (etc) for women and girls. We need to push engineering toys for girls to encourage them to enter those types of fields. We need to have examples of strong independent career women all over the place to normalize it, show its benefit, program girls to follow in these character’s footsteps. They pay lip service to being supportive of women that opt out, that want to being housewives. “It’s about choice!” many of them say. “I respect stay-at-home moms, too!” they promise. And yet girls are shamed for playing with dolls or at very least encouraged to put them down in favor of Legos to encourage them to opt for “better” fields. Kitchen toy sets? How 1950s. Housewives? They are all miserable wretches. Just turn on any TV show that still has one and you will see. If housewives were just as valued, viewed as being as valid of a choice as, say, being a doctor or CEO, it wouldn’t be shameful for girls to play with dolls and don play aprons. If we were really respected we wouldn’t be portrayed in the media as nothing but a backdrop or in need of liberation. Actions speak louder than words. By feminist and modern actions the housewife is loathed. All I wanted was to be able to veg out in front of a YouTube series without having that shoved in my face. Is that so much to ask? Of course it is. We must never forget how low we are.

And they wonder why we feel so isolated and ignored…

A Feminist Solicited My Opinion of One of Matt Forney’s Self-Esteem Posts…

I got into a Twitter discussion with a feminist. Actually, two at once. One was… well, she left a lot to be desired. The other was a lot more reasonable and I enjoyed our conversation. The latter expressed concern over Forney, his stance on domestic violence, why he isn’t being called out on it, etc. So we talked that out a bit before she asked me my take on his How to Crush A Girl’s Self-Esteem piece. I gave a rather clunky critique of it that didn’t even come close to showing my thoughts. She said I scared her, gave a few reasons why (mostly “you’re okay with hurting women”, etc) and left. I respect that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore but now I have all these thoughts on his post and no one to talk to about them. Lucky you, dear reader!

First off, I am never sure if Forney is being completely serious. I suspect he is not, which is probably why I can stomach him more than most. I suspect he is serious wrapped in satire which is exactly how I read it.

Second, I should probably point out that I didn’t entirely disagree with his previous article The Case Against Female Self-Esteem. I have a tendency to inject my own views into what other people are saying so maybe I completely missed the point of this but, in all honesty, the cult of self-esteem pushed on women these days is on my last nerve. I agree with him here:

 From the moment they’re old enough to speak, girls in America are bombarded with propaganda that artificially boosts their self-esteem. They’re told that they’re shpecial and you-nique because they have an extra X chromosome. They’re told that they’re smart, that they can do anything, that they deserve respect merely for existing. They’re encouraged to derive self-worth not from their inherent feminine nature but from their college degree, their job or the other illusory trappings of achievement in a man’s world.

Combine this with the white-knighting tendencies of fathers and the sexual attention that attractive girls already get from puberty forward and you have a complete social meltdown in the making.

Yeah, I’m going to have to say he is spot on here as are his first two points: 1) Most girls have done nothing to deserve self-esteem and 2) Insecurity (or, ya know, humility) is integral to femininity.

I can completely see where this among some more colorful things he said in the post makes women and feminists everywhere rage. As he said, we’re told from minute one we are special princesses deserving of everything under the sun. This guy thinks we aren’t? Hulksmash!

Now onto the more recent post. This is how I broke down my thoughts for the Twitter feminist:

It is this I would like to expound on:

1. Constantly make her feel inadequate.

I said I was 50/50 on it. This is what I meant:

You should rarely give her unqualified praise.

I feel that.

Every time she does something for you, find out what she did wrong and remind her of it. If you can’t find any problems, make some up.

Not so much.

I think he is on to something here ie: not letting a woman get away with her inadequacies, expecting more, etc. Remember, we are talking about women here that have grown up in a society where they can do no wrong. Showing us we can is actually pretty important, IMO. Life changing stuff. But making stuff up? Going on the hunt for it? Reeks of desperation. A little too heavy-handed, a little too much.

2. Dominate her physically and sexually.

I said I more or less agreed with it, this is what I meant:

I was going to quote him but as he gets a bit graphic I’ll spare you, delicate flowers that we are (she says in jest). “Push her boundaries” is the gist of it. I do think this is important in a relationship that deals with an unequal balance of power. He pushes a little, she gives in a little more. Note, we’re talking pushing here not steamrolling. “I’m willing to submit to you in as far as I control all aspects of it” isn’t submission. Well, it’s BDSM submission but not the real life everyday kind (BTW, for those that don’t get how this is different than kink, there’s your answer).

3. Isolate her from her friends and family.

This is the big one, the one I really wanted to address. I said that he had a great point that I could go on about but couldn’t on Twitter because of space, this is what I meant:

You need to be the primary emotional influence in her life, and you can’t do that if she’s leaning on anyone else for support.

He’s not wrong. Isolation is a strong word, a bit extreme, I do agree with that much. But the underlying point is that you can’t ever underestimate, male or female, how many people want to drive a wedge. I don’t even mean purposefully, just with their ideas about themselves, you, life, your partner, etc. Cleave to your husband. That’s what this comes down to. What other people are saying and doing shouldn’t matter as much as what he is. Yet the way things are now the reverse is suppose to be true. In fact, anything but is considered abusive on one level or another. We need to remember and respect that we are our husband’s wives not everyone else’s. The idea that their opinions should matter is a false one. You revolve around him, not family or friends. This is advice I give even to my non Red Pill/traditional friends. Respecting your partner is about respecting him above everyone else. Now, this isn’t to say you can never be with, talk to, etc anyone but him. This is to say you lean on him more than anyone else.

4. Reward her at random intervals.

This one I was wrong about in lumping it in with all the agrees. Rewarding is important, yes. Rewarding at random intervals is an interesting concept, I’ll give him that much, one I am still mulling over.

5. Give her an emotional release.

I know that this one is controversial, even among TRP, but I can say it can be beneficial for many women. This deserves it’s own post, though.

6. F*** her like it’s your last day on Earth.

I just like this one because sex. And, yes, orgasm control is a win-win scenario. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

—–

I get that the joke could really be on me in this in either reading too much or too little into what he says. It is what it is. I find at least some of what he says to be beneficial and humorously put which is why I read him. Reading his stuff objectively is not the same thing as cosigning on every last one of his ideas, contrary to popular belief. Just thought I would throw that out there because apparently these days it needs to be said.

Valentine’s Day, Finances, The Surrendered Wife, Dirty Houses, Unruly Kids, and a FitBit

I’ve been off my game lately. Here, there, and everywhere. It’s funny how things can knock you off track even just an inch or so and everything goes nuts. Nothing too crazy, just “off”. So I haven’t been around here much, either blogging or reading the blogs I am subscribed to. I tweet in spurts mostly when the kids are having their piano lessons or otherwise engaged. My biggest disappointment is how I have let GBG go. So many grand plans, so little time. I did update this blog (obviously) and brought my avatar into a more recent century. Nighttime boredom while The Man was at work and the kids getting along.

But this isn’t suppose to be all ‘woe is me’, I wanted to give you all a quick update:

  • Valentine’s Day itself wasn’t anything especially Valentine’s-y. We had a family day; a great one, in fact, that was much needed. We never manage to do anything grand for V Day even though every year we say to each other “Next year we should ___________”. I’m not sure if we should just keep on with this or plan a whole other “Next year we should ___________”.
  • We’ve reached a financial goal and are very very proud and excited. Things have gotten better since he took over the finances and we initiated the ‘wife’s envelope system’. I talked about this briefly here but I want to make a whole post about it. Financially though we reached a goal we’ve been obsessively watching things the past few weeks as we have had car trouble and that is bleeding us. One step forward, one step back…
  • Re-reading The Surrendered Wife has been beneficial to me for two reasons- I need the refresher right now (stress always brings out the worse in us, right?) and it’s been a real look back at how far I have come. I read this stuff now and think “Oh, I do this!” not realizing I do it because I read it in the book and it was once a big chore, a big uphill battle whereas now it’s just something I do. Yay! But there are also things in the book we/I have sort of moved out of. More on this later.
  • My house is a stye, y’all. Well, at least it is to me. The kids and I worked on their rooms which made the front of the house a disaster. I know, it seems weird but this always happens to us. We focus on one place and all other places go crazy. We’ll catch up but right now I am just really overwhelmed and frustrated. The Man is planning on renting a truck and we’re going to get rid of a ton of stuff soon. I. Cannot. Wait.
  • Oh and the kids. My older 3 are fine, it’s still the twins. These two… Well, they are like having two super hyper toddlers that feed off of each other. It’s been a real power struggle of late with Twin A, especially. She likes to think she rules the house, she’s the boss. I’m, of course, having none of it. So a lot of butting heads, stare offs, fits being thrown, etc. Exercises in keeping my cool but staying firm. I’m pretty sure the bulk of my stress can be placed on her. I hate to say it, most mothers do, but I’m pretty sure I am going to go gray and every last strand will have [Twin A] written on it. I will say this, though, switching to a more one-on-one based homeschool has done wonders!
  • A few days before Valentine’s Day I got two surprise gifts- a FitBit One and a bottle of my favorite perfume. Squee! I was laying in bed as he had come home late being rather grumpy about the day (Twin A was especially difficult) and in he comes with flowers and a Victoria’s Secret bag. I was totally surprised. Had no idea. This year’s Steak and BJ Day, our first celebrating, is going to be spectacular! I’ll review the FitBit One for this week’s Fit Friday (I hope).

I think that about covers the stuff going on right now. I hope to carve out some time to post at least some of the million (slight exaggeration) post ideas I have had of late. Until then, I hope this all finds you well!