I think of submission in much the same way I think of marriage; as a display of commitment. Not just “I’m on his cell phone plan” or “we split rent” committment but real “my ass is on the line if this doesn’t pan out” commitment. The kind that actually comes with big life altering ramifications. You don’t enter either marriage or submission willy nilly nor do you do it with just anyone. Submission is a big commitment, not a weekend experiment. In it you are handing the reigns over to someone else and trusting that they will do the right thing even when you are pulling them in another direction.
I want to make something perfectly clear here- it’s really scary. In a world where individualism reigns supreme and the idea of surrendering anything to anyone at anytime brings to mind ‘weakness’ and ‘insanity’ it is really scary.
But it’s also hotter than hell.
When I first started dipping my toes into submission I did so in the realm of BDSM. Back then I read something by Kacie Cunningham in her book Conquer Me (on page 25) that has always stuck with me and comes to mind when I think about the tingles I get from my submission/his dominance
Have you ever had that feeling well up inside of you, the one that feels like you just absolutely need to be grabbed by the hair, thrust to the floor, and talked to in The Voice? You know, The Voice that makes you have shivers down your spine, and that delicious fluttering in your belly? I’ll let you fill in the rest of this little fantasy on your own, but I think you know the feeling I’m talking about. The feeling you get that feels almost like being hungry, thirsty, and really horny all at the same time. Yet it’s not a need for any of those things, exactly but a need for a Master to bury his hands in your hair, and his teeth in your flesh, and take you down, thrusting you firmly in your place, where you belong, and not let you up until it pleases him.
That, dear reader, is “conquer me.”
For me this ‘conquer me’ feeling lives outside of the bedroom as well (in as much as anything does. But I do believe all roads in a relationship lead to sex. Maybe more on that later). The above gets me going (sans ‘Master’ talk), don’t get me wrong, but so does every other part of “he is in control”. Where submission becomes more than just a kink for me is that I view it as the default. My feeling is that it turns me on because it’s how I tic as a woman. That’s not a kink, it’s nature at work. Remember how I said I believed all roads lead to sex in a relationship (it was only like 2 seconds ago)? Your very dynamic should get and keep you all hot and bothered, in my opinion. If it’s not doing that for you it’s time to reevaluate.
That all said I have a few final thoughts on submission:
- Incompetence is not worthy of it. Don’t submit to a man who can’t handle himself, his life, or anything in between. And don’t marry him either. In fact, don’t do anything with him but glance at him from your rearview mirror to make sure he isn’t following you.
- Don’t force it. Submission is more than a list of things you do in the physical world, it’s a way of thinking, feeling, and being. If it’s not happening for you don’t force it. That ends with resentment and other things that leave a lasting sting.
- It’s on you. No one can ever make you truly submit. Artificially? Sure. But not authentically. Don’t wait for The One that is going to make this all fall into place for you; sort yourself out first.
- Own it. If it’s something you are ashamed of then it’s not something you value. Own who it is you are and what it is you believe and do and no one will be able to make you doubt it.
To nutshell this series: I am submissive to my husband because it makes logical sense to me to follow natural gender roles and allow him complete ownership of that which he has built as I do not bring in any income. That does not make me an ignorant doormat that lives only for The Man without a single thought of my own or anything elsewhere I enjoy doing or being a part of. Plus, it gets me really hot. Like really really hot, all of the time.