When I Stopped Blaming My Father

Miniaturist, with his Daughter || Jean-Baptist Isabey

Miniaturist, with his Daughter || Jean-Baptist Isabey

I can’t watch Father-Daughter dances at weddings, I have to excuse myself. My husband usually takes the kids beforehand as he knows what’s coming. It’s heart-wrenching for me and I usually end up crying bitterly in the bathroom and telling myself to suck it up.

A few times my own daughters have looked so lovingly at their father and whispered “I love you, Daddy” so sweetly that it sends me into the same sort of emotional breakdown. A quick trip to the bathroom and a scolding in the mirror “I thought you had grown out of this, you baby.” before I can go back to what I was doing and pretend that nothing happened.

This post has been a long time coming. I keep writing it, deleting it, writing it again, and trashing it again. I really don’t like getting too personal and I don’t want to whine but I want to be honest about who lives with the ramifications of casual sex and paternity disputes. Spoilers: not the women. Fathers and kids get the brunt of it. My father, as much as it pains me to say it, made the smart move. I wasn’t offered a choice in the matter.

The Story

Growing up my mom bitterly referred to my father as “the sperm donor”. She would talk with hatred about his refusal to “be a man” and “do the right thing”. I grew up believing that all men were like this because my mom told me they were and it happened to her again when I was a kid and my one sibling was born (happened to her, see how that works?). What further proof did I need? I knew not having a dad wasn’t normal or ideal but I thought of myself as that poor innocent child who’s Daddy wasn’t man enough to stick around for her.

My dad abandoned me. I have said it so many time in my life that it became a sort of tagline. The sting never went away, though.

“Where’s your dad?” new friends would always ask.

“My dad abandoned me.” I’d mutter and change the subject. I was in full victim mode from the moment of birth; trained to let people know of my plight, trained to seek out pity.

As I got older the stories my mom told me about my father didn’t measure up. For one there weren’t many at all. I got little bits like “he could draw” and “he was from _this country_” but that was about it. On top of that the rest of my family told me again and again that who she said was my father wasn’t really my father at all.

“How long did you and my dad date, mom?”

“We didn’t. Stop asking me questions, it’s over and done with.”

Long story short turns out that at the time I was conceived my mom was sleeping her way around town (by the way, she was married). She wasn’t seeing any of these men she was just “having fun” with them. Playing the victim like she always does she convinced herself that they had used and abused her (just like her husband, according to her, who jumped ship around this time, who I have never met, and who is legally my father) and that they had abandoned us both because that’s what men do. I have listened to her tell this story time and time again, always painting herself as The Victim. People still eat it up.

The Shift

A little ways back I was talking to a family member and the subject of my father came up. This is the conversation that started the dominoes falling.

“Your mom was trying to convince a few guys you were theirs.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, one guy in particular. But we told him she had a few men she was trying to dupe.”

“So they ran the other way?”

“I guess you could say that.”

Can you blame them? I can’t. I admit that part of me wants to but I just can’t. So after 27 years of “my dad abandoned me” a realization hit me, my father probably doesn’t even know I exist. Sure, he knows I was born as my mom was trying to pawn me off on him (us both, really. I have no doubt she saw me as her meal ticket) but he probably has no idea I’m actually his. And, because of that, I have no idea who he is. I have no idea where I come from, what my genetic or cultural background is, where I get my complexion and crazy curls, what language my family speaks, what sort of traditions they hold to, if they would have loved me, if I have to worry about certain illnesses or defects, if my father is even still alive, if I have siblings… The list goes on. I still run it through my head more often than I’d like to admit.

My mom showed me pictures of my supposed father holding me. Two different sets with two different men that she tried to tell me were the same guy but obviously aren’t (completely different builds and coloring). As a kid I convinced myself it was the lighting. According to relatives that were there both of these men made a point to come and see me and hold who they thought was their daughter. For all I know these men pressed for a paternity test but maybe they didn’t. My mom is unstable and she was then, too (seriously, don’t sleep with crazy). She is one of those impossible people, the type that is completely unreasonable. I am willing to bet that she didn’t give them many options when it came to me. Accept her as your own, no questions, or you’re a coward and a deviant. That sounds way more like my mother than admitting she wasn’t sure who impregnated her and asking for a paternity test does. The only reason she got a test with my younger sibling was because a friend informed her she could make money in child support. How lucky did her husband, my father by law, get that she didn’t know that until then?

Acceptance

My father didn’t abandon me, my mom was a slut that held all the cards. His choice never came into it. There is no easy way around it, no gentle way to say it. This is what happens. Not this exact thing but paternity confusion, unwanted children, and all around brokenness is the standard. Fathers and kids just get drug along while women get to play liberated and victim all at once.

And make no mistake, unwanted children know they aren’t wanted.

This all has absolutely shaped my views on chastity, playing the victim, and father’s rights. It absolutely informed my opinions as a feminist and does today. I don’t think it’s any surprise that this realization coincided with my final abandonment of feminism and my anti-slut shaming/pro sexual “liberation” views. I already had one foot out the door (which more than likely aided in my ability to finally see his side) but this was the final push I needed. My husband started me off questioning what I had been raised to believe and, surprising to me even now, my father helped me hammer in the final nail. I had built my world view around “my dad abandoned me”. I had understood men through that. How many people in my generation have? How many of us have been influenced by the abandonment lie? When I had to finally ask myself what he must have been thinking and feeling when my mom shoved a newborn in his face and then found out she was doing it to different men around town I found myself empathizing with him. What a dangerous thing that is, empathizing with men. It alters world views.

12 thoughts on “When I Stopped Blaming My Father

  1. Thank you for being brave enough to share such a personal story. My mom and Dad got divorced when I was little but I don’t know why and asking for information isn’t encouraged. :/

  2. This is a cautionary tale if I’ve ever heard one. It sucks that you had to go through that. I know so many girls that have babies by multiple men without really even a thought about it. They don’t seem to even question the fact that their children will be missing half of their family. I just kind of breaks my heart.

    • A cautionary tale; exactly why I shared it.

      The casualness that surrounds brining children into the world these days breaks my heart in a number of ways. It really is tragic and our society will pay.

  3. My heart breaks for you, your father and your daughters who wont know there grandfather. Thank you for speaking up. Children deserve both parents, period. So many forces right now are rallying against that in our society and none more forceful than feminism. On both sides of my family, my mother and father, were abandoned by their fathers. I grew up without any grandfathers and also with two parents who were bitter about that. My father threw himself into being the perfect dad, sacrificing everything and he was and still is the perfect dad but I grew up believing that my father was a rare anomaly (my grandma calls him “the million dollar man”) because the story I got from other family and friends was “men leave” “men are scum” Before he died my maternal grandfather contacted my mother and wanted to speak to her after 30+ years of silence. She refused to call him back and then he died. She told me she could forgive him for abandoning her but not his grandchildren. We were innocent she said as though she had done something to drive him away, as though she wasn’t innocent. It took years for that to dawn on me, that my mother felt that way about herself. I wish I could go back in time to when she said that to me 20 years ago and say “Mom, you were innocent too.” Wow. This post has really made me think. I pray that someday, somehow, you will meet your father and begin the healing process together.

    • I have given up hope but I would be lying if I said that sometimes I utter a small prayer under my breath that someday I will know him. Maybe in the next life…

  4. Wow. Just want to say, when we’re brave enough to share difficult stuff there’s always a chance that our story will help someone with their *own* difficult stuff. If it was hard, it was worth it. To me. So thank you.

  5. ” I really don’t like getting too personal and I don’t want to whine but I want to be honest about who lives with the ramifications of casual sex and paternity disputes. Spoilers: not the women.”

    Well, not in your case. We have to be careful not to project our own personal experiences onto the rest of the world. That is “universalism” and universalism is false.

    Was your mother particularly good looking or “irresistable” in some way? I’m just curious as to why so many men would go against common sense and get involved with a crazy women like that. That too, without practicing safe sex.

    What was it that drew them to her?

    • “Well, not in your case. We have to be careful not to project our own personal experiences onto the rest of the world.”

      You misunderstand my point. The laws of this land are heavily in favor of women in family legal issues. Men have no choice, women have a plethora of them. Men and children get the brunt while women are given options and resources, a seemingly endless supply.

      “I’m just curious as to why so many men would go against common sense and get involved with a crazy women like that. That too, without practicing safe sex.”

      My mother was available. I don’t think she was particularly unattractive or attractive she was just ready and willing to put out. It was the only time in her life she was thin as she was using drugs and so she went especially wild.

      We must not fall into thinking that unwanted pregnancies are the result of unsafe sex. Birth control fails and it fails often. People in general these days think that if someone has gotten pregnant without wanting to it has to be because they weren’t being safe. This is not necessarily true and leads to dangerous thinking in that it makes people feel safe when they actually aren’t safe at all.

      I, of course, can’t say exactly what drew them to her as I wasn’t there but women do not have to be incredibly attractive to sleep around. I personally know a fat woman who is missing teeth that is never without a new man in her bed.

  6. I’m sorry to hear of what you went through. It is eerily reminiscent of what my exwife went through in her getting ‘daddy issues’.

    For more than 30 years of her life, she believed her father abandoned her. She got a good step dad who loved her and treated her like his own when she was 6, but her whole life permeated around the idea that bio dad didn’t want her, left her, abandoned her. She always wanted to know why she wasn’t good enough for dad to stick around.

    It created the go go go, rebellious, have to be hard, have to be a bitch, take no shit, buck heads like the proverbial Aries sign she was.

    Then after we got engaged, her mom spilled the beans that her bio dad didn’t abandon her. She was the product of a one night stand at a rock concert in Poland, their version of ‘Woodstock’ back in the 70’s. She had know way of knowing how to reconnect with the father. So she became a single mom.

    Needless to say, this broke something in my ex’s head. Her whole world just went from one extreme to the other. To this day, i don’t think she has worked things through. As our marriage ended and i left my home, i turned to her and implored to her that she might consider therapy. She crossed her arms and huffed that she was perfectly happy with who she was.

    2.5 years later, i’m a new man, a better man, and a bloody happy man living a real life and not the trappings or veneer of one. The same cannot be said of the train wreck my exwife is on. I feel sympathy.

    And i am glad that your story is turning out better than hers.

    It’s amazing just how important a stable and consistent dad is to a baby girl’s mental psyche.

  7. …Father’s Day, What Father’s Day ? ……..
    How Parental Alienation Effects Father’s Today
    ……………..By Joseph Goldberg, 2012…………………
    .
    .
    This is an important article for Grandfathers as
    well as for fathers.
    .
    I am spoofing the title of this article from a good
    friend of mine, Chaim Steinberger. He wrote a very
    insightful and brilliant journal article on Parental
    Alienation that he called, “ Father, What Father ? “
    .
    I decided to write about this holiday because many
    father’s will be hurting when it arrives. They won’t
    be getting to see their child or receive a call or any
    cards or any other acknowledgement because their
    children are alienated and that means come Sunday
    they’ll be rejected for very unjustified reasons.
    .
    For some dad’s who will be waiting to see their kid
    because a court order forces them to go, don’t be
    surprised when they show up- only to tell you they
    don’t want to be with you or only to say,” I hate
    you “… don’t expect them to change,,, that’s why its
    called a parental alienation dynamic.
    .
    I am writing my article just for fathers and for
    grandfathers, but the rest of you will hopefully
    also appreciate the message.
    .
    You know the old saying, “ Silence is deafening. “
    Well it’s deafening for a reason, and as another old
    saying goes, “ Everything happens for a reason. “
    Even though you may not be getting their affection
    on Sunday, it doesn’t mean your child isn’t at least
    thinking of you, and because they are alienated and
    unable to express to you that you’re not forgotten …
    and that they do love you, let me be the first one to
    remind you of that fact. Your kids do love you, and
    you’re not forgotten because Sunday, is also a very
    painful holiday reminder for them.
    .
    It’s painful to them to be without you because every-
    where they go and see a father with his son or, with
    his daughter; laughing, hugging, or kissing, smiling
    at each other, going out to lunch together, to dinners
    or a movie, driving together, talking on a cell phone,
    texting, meeting up somewhere, it reminds them
    that it’s also not them being with you.
    .
    Every time they turn on their TV that day, flip open
    their computer, listen to the radio, they will hear
    that it’s Father’s Day, and every time they pass by
    a store there will be an item for sale saying it’s
    Father’s Day, and they didn’t get you your present.
    They didn’t get to say, “ you’re my dad “ and then
    the words, `” I love you. “ They’ll try and block it
    out but how do you block out the sky, the ground
    below…. how do you erase the touch on your skin
    or what you feel deep in your bones ? It’s a psycho-
    logical skeleton.
    .
    Denial is a fixated condition for alienated
    children, so is breathing. Memories of love for
    father are never really erased they’re just
    buried below the surface and those memories
    will resurface on this Sunday, Father’s Day.
    .
    Take comfort in the fact that your picture may
    not be in a frame next to their bed or on the wall
    in their mom’s house, but they are not deleted
    from their memory. It is also hard to ignore
    mother trying to pretend how much better off
    they are without you, while the look on her face
    also reminds them she can’t be the father they’re
    missing out on today.
    .
    No matter what stepfather tries to take your
    place after you got replaced, displaced and
    erased, nothing is ever going to hold back their
    feelings of loss because they’re connected to
    their father when they see themselves in a
    mirror. Some likeness of you is something in
    their DNA that they can see in their own face.
    .
    Not only are there painful memories there
    are probably more than a few good ones.
    Like the time you took them to a show, or
    watched them at a school performance,
    or played some game with them, played
    with your pet, took them to visit your
    parents, cooked a meal for them, these
    memories are also resurfacing around them.
    .
    Imagine how it must feel for them to watch
    their friends getting together with their dads
    and how they have to explain or avoid talk-
    ing about you not being around on Father’s
    Day. Imagine anyone else trying to act as a
    substitute for the father they are missing in
    their lives and never saying,
    .
    “ Why don’t you call your dad today ? “
    .
    How is their behaviour going to be memorial-
    ized in the future ?
    .
    Father’s Day, is something I feel long after my
    own father has passed away. You don’t have
    to actually be around to be remembered and
    to be loved. I don’t need to feel bad about the
    father’s day I am not spending with him this
    Sunday, I will be thinking about all the good
    times with my dad and I know that your child-
    ren might want you to believe that they don’t
    love you back, but that’s just denial talking.
    .
    You’re as much a part of their life as you
    have ever been ( even more so ) and not
    because of being present, but because
    of being absent. Believe it because we
    know from all the social science research
    that this is truly how alienated children
    are feeling.
    .
    I feel my father is with me now even though
    he passed more than 15 years ago. I was
    alienated from him by a mother that
    extinguished him from my life, but not
    forever. We made up for all the lost time
    and years of alienation that was stolen from
    us both.
    .
    In the Jewish religion when a loved parent
    dies we say prayers, Kaddish, and we light a
    candle in memory of the parent. Perhaps as
    a way to remember that you are still a
    parent you should light a candle and keep
    it burning all day, on Father’s Day.
    .
    Say a prayer of love, memorialize your
    feelings of loss and perhaps to help be
    forgiving so anger does not take over
    the better part of judgment in your life.
    .
    As a targeted, rejected parent remember the
    good parts of the person you are and remain
    and strive to lift yourself up, don’t let any-
    thing change that belief in your-self because
    sometimes all we have is ourselves to believe
    in, and in truth that’s the one person whose
    opinion counts the most.
    .
    For more educational information please visit
    http://www.ParentalAlienation.ca
    http://www.ParentalAlienationEducation.com

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